Out of Exile Read online

  “Small is fine, with it just being me.” She filled the sink with soapy water to wash the few dishes they had used. “When you come to visit, you can either sleep on my sofa in the cottage or stay here. And you will visit frequently, won’t you?”

  Lilly smiled assuredly. “Of course. When I get back to work, I’ll have Christmas and spring vacations and all summer long to visit you.”

  Aunt Clara nodded in satisfaction and plunged the glassware into the sink water. “Of course, what would really be nice is if you’d move here to Inferno. They have schools here, and I’m sure they would be thrilled to get a skilled and caring counselor like you.”

  Lilly laughed. “One step at a time, Aunt Clara. At the moment my main concern is seeing you settled in.”

  Aunt Clara frowned and handed Lilly a soapy glass to rinse and dry. “I can’t believe I let that young man talk me into mortgaging my home and giving him all my money. He seemed like such a nice young man, too.” She pulled her hands from the soapy water, grabbed a towel and sank down at the table.

  “I guess the saying is true, there’s no fool like an old fool.” She closed her eyes and sat perfectly silent for a moment.

  “Aunt Clara, are you all right?” Lilly dried her hands and knelt down next to the older woman, who suddenly appeared deathly pale.

  “Fine, fine. I just got a little dizzy spell.” She looked at Lilly in bewilderment. “Now what were we talking about?”

  “We were talking about the fact that I think we need to get you in for a checkup with a doctor,” Lilly said, worry fluttering through her.

  “Nonsense,” Aunt Clara exclaimed and stood.

  “I’m fit as a fiddle, I just sometimes move a little too fast or something.”

  The two women returned to the sink, where they washed and dried the dishes and chattered about inconsequential things.

  When they had finished putting the dishes away, Lilly asked if Clara would like to take a walk with her.

  Clara declined, stating that perhaps she would take a little nap so she’d be rested for the family meeting that night. “It will be so nice to see everyone this evening. Did you know Mark has a nine-year-old stepson, and Luke is the stepfather to a precious little girl and boy. So many new family members, such joy. You are coming to the meeting?”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Lilly said hesitantly. “I might pop my head in to say hello to everyone, but I don’t think it’s a good idea….”

  “Nonsense,” Clara said. She reached up and placed her hands on Lilly’s cheeks. It was a gesture as familiar to Lilly as her own heartbeat. “Legally your last name might be Winstead, but in your heart, and in my heart, you’re a Delaney through and through. And you should be at that family meeting.”

  Lilly smiled and pulled Clara’s hands from her cheeks. She planted a kiss in each hand, then closed Clara’s fingers as if to capture the kisses. “We’ll see and now I think I’ll take a little walk. Sure you won’t join me?”

  “Not me, but enjoy the sunshine.”

  Sunshine. There was plenty of that in Inferno, Arizona, Lilly thought as she stepped out the front door a few minutes later.

  Although it was October, the sunshine was bright and warm and the temperature was in the eighties. Lilly had no specific destination or direction in mind, but she set off walking in the direction of the old barn Matthew had mentioned they were renovating.

  Lilly and Matthew had spent lots of time in that barn years ago. Back then the barn had been in use, the loft filled with bales of hay, the lower level storage for machinery and grain.

  The two teenagers would crawl up in the loft, make themselves comfortable among the hay, and talk. Well, actually, Lilly would do most of the talking.

  Thinking back, it was funny to realize that she’d never shared with him the circumstances of his aunt “adopting” her, and he’d never spoken about his family. It was as if they’d both silently agreed that discussing parents or personal history was off-limits.

  Instead they spoke of school and favorite subjects, they discussed and compared ranch life and city life. They shared dreams and talked about what they saw for themselves in the future. But always Lilly sensed turbulent emotions just beneath his surface, simmering passions that he kept tightly reined.

  Brush tickled her ankles as she walked, and the heat on her shoulders was pleasant. Although much of the Delaney ranch was desert-like, there was a beauty in the landscape that surrounded her.

  To the distant right of where she walked, she could see the green grass and tall trees she knew were nourished by a nearby creek. She and Matthew had waded in the creek numerous times. She could still remember how he’d looked with his jeans rolled up to expose his athletic calves and his shirtless chest so broad and tanned.

  She shook her head to dispel the images from the past. Oh, that boy had stirred frightening, wonderful yearnings inside her teenage heart. And it unsettled her more than a little that the adult Matthew seemed to be stirring the same kinds of feelings in an adult Lilliana Winstead.

  The old barn rose up in the distance. Weathered gray and minus the doors, the place certainly wasn’t the one from her memory. Just as Matthew wasn’t the young boy of my memories, she reminded herself.

  As she walked closer, she saw Mark, Matthew’s brother, and Jacob Tilley carrying out a load of old lumber and dumping it into the bed of a pickup.

  “Lilly.” Mark swept his hat off his head and approached her with a friendly smile. “Matthew told me this morning that you and Aunt Clara had come to visit.”

  “Yes, I’m visiting, but Aunt Clara is planning on staying,” she replied. “And I understand congratulations are in order for you. Not only a new wife and stepson, but also a baby on the way. Congratulations, Mark.”

  His likable features radiated with the brightness of his smile. “Yeah, pretty amazing. I didn’t think any of us would ever marry or have families, and suddenly we’re all the marrying sort.”

  “Except Matthew,” she said.

  His smile turned rueful. “Yeah, except Matthew. Matthew doesn’t date…he dictates.” Shadows fell into Mark’s eyes, as if thoughts of his older brother saddened him. “I think maybe Matthew feels safest alone.”

  Lilly desperately wanted to ask more questions, to explore what Mark meant by his words, but at that moment Jacob joined them. He asked Mark about what to do with additional items in the barn.

  “I hate to cut our reunion short, but we’ve got a load of lumber arriving first thing in the morning and need to get the rest of this work done,” Mark said.

  “Please, don’t let me interrupt you,” Lilly exclaimed. “I was just doing a little walking to stretch my legs.”

  “You’ll be at the family meeting tonight?”

  Lilly shrugged. “Probably.”

  “Nice seeing you again,” Jacob said as he and Mark headed back to the barn. Lilly watched until the two men had disappeared into the barn, then turned and headed toward the house.

  Matthew feels safest alone.

  An interesting statement, and she wondered exactly what Mark had meant by his words about his brother.

  Before going back to the house, Lilly stopped in at cottage three to see how the painting was coming along. She found Ned and Eddie at work in the living room. They both offered her friendly smiles.

  “We’ll have this place knocked out and looking just fine for your aunt by this evening,” Ned said, a friendly smile curving his thin lips upward.

  “We already gave the bedroom a nice new coat,” Eddie added.

  “I appreciate it,” she replied. “It all looks very nice. Do you two stay here on the ranch?” she asked.

  “Not me,” Ned said. “I rent a small house in town. I like to separate my work life from my private life.”

  “And I rent an old shed that’s been renovated into a little cabin at the Watson ranch down the road a piece,” Eddie explained.

  Realizing she was keeping them away from their work, she murmured a goodbye then
went back to the main house. Once there, she went into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of iced tea, then returned to the porch, where the chairs were in the shade.

  Matthew feels safest alone.

  Again Mark’s words played around and around in Lilly’s head. Oddly enough, she understood. Oh, she didn’t understand what emotional barriers might be in play inside Matthew. But she certainly understood the choice to live a life alone to keep oneself emotionally intact. Wasn’t that exactly what she had done?

  Sure, she’d had relationships with men in the past, but when they got too close, when she feared becoming vulnerable, she walked away. She would never put herself in a position again where somebody important in her life would walk away from her.

  Safer to be alone. Yes, she knew all about that. What she didn’t know was what had caused Matthew to make the same decision about himself.

  From the master bedroom downstairs in the back of the house, Matthew heard his brothers and sister and in-laws arriving for the family meeting.

  The sounds of their laughter, the easiness that had grown between them over the past couple of months emphasized an isolation Matthew hadn’t realized he felt until this moment.

  He stared at his reflection in the dresser mirror, a deep frown creasing his forehead as the laughter and merriment seeped in through his closed bedroom door.

  Of course they had found a new camaraderie, because they were all newlyweds, full of the bliss of family life. And that was fine for them, but it was certainly a club he didn’t intend to join.

  For just a moment, as he looked at himself, he thought he saw his father’s visage glaring back at him. He shook his head and forced his lips into a smile, an expression his father had rarely worn. The ghost image disappeared, and with a grunt of satisfaction Matthew left the bedroom.

  The family was gathered in the living room, having successfully maneuvered the obstacle course just inside the room of Aunt Clara’s boxes and belongings.

  Luke and his wife, Abby, sat on the sofa; Johnna and her husband, Jerrod, were next to them. Mark and April sat on the love seat, and Lilly and Clara were in wing chairs.

  Lilly looked as pretty as a picture against the wine-colored high-backed chair. She’d done something different to her hair. It didn’t hang loose but rather was twisted in some sort of bun at her nape, exposing the long, graceful curve of her neck.

  She wore a pale-pink cotton dress, short enough to expose bare legs and white sandals that displayed toenails painted a feminine pink.

  She smiled at him as he entered, and the smile held the heat of a warm, summer day. Tension filled him in response. He didn’t want to find her attractive, didn’t want to feel the magnetic pull of desire for her.

  The group fell silent as Matthew walked to stand in front of the fireplace facing them all. “Where are the children?” he asked, referring to Mark and Johnna’s son, Brian, and Luke and Abby’s son, Jason, and daughter, Jessica.

  “Brian took them outside to play,” Mark said.

  “And doll babies they are, all three of them,” Clara beamed. “And another baby on the way.” She smiled at April, who grinned back and touched the palm of her hand to her stomach. “So much happiness in this family.”

  Matthew frowned. “Let’s get started here,” he said. “I called this meeting because we have business to attend to.”

  “Well, we know you didn’t call it because you just wanted to see and visit with us all,” Johnna said dryly.

  “Johnna, don’t start,” Mark said softly.

  “I’m not starting anything,” Johnna protested.

  “Is there anything anyone would like to bring up before I discuss the reason I called the meeting?” Matthew ignored his sister, who always seemed to take great pleasure in needling him.

  “I’d like to discuss something,” April said. She stood, a pretty blonde with green eyes, who had captured Mark’s heart when she’d come here seven months ago to work as a social director. “I’d like to plan a Halloween party.”

  “But we don’t have any guests for Halloween. We’re still dark that night,” Matthew said. “Guests don’t start arriving again until November 2.”

  “I don’t want the party to be for guests, but rather for the workers.” She offered him a tentative smile. “I’d like to do a real costume party, with candy for the kids and games and all kinds of fun. I think it would be really good for morale.”

  “We aren’t here to boost morale. We’re here to run a dude ranch,” he replied, sounding stiff and unyielding to his own ears.

  “Personally, I think it’s a wonderful idea,” Johnna exclaimed. “Honestly, Matthew, why don’t you loosen up a little. Things have been rough around here lately, and happy workers make productive workers.”

  Several of the others voiced their agreement and enthusiasm for such a party. “Fine,” he finally capitulated. “If you all want to have a party, then have it. You deal with it, I’ve got plenty of other things to deal with around here.”

  “So what did you want to discuss?” Mark asked.

  “I got a call the other day from Dale Maxwell, president of Maxwell Redevelopment, a company based in Phoenix. He made us an offer to buy this place once the terms of the will are met and we take official ownership.”

  Mark leaned forward. “I hope you told him to go to hell.”

  “I told him I needed to discuss the offer with all of you.”

  “I’ve heard of Maxwell Redevelopment, they’re into building time-share properties,” Luke said.

  “The offer was a generous one,” Matthew said, and named the figure the company had thrown out to him.

  “When we first learned the terms of Father’s will, I was one of the ones who yelled the loudest about having to spend time here, working once again for the family ranch,” Johnna said. “But, now, after spending the past seven months working here again, I’m not sure I’m willing to just sell out.”

  “I agree,” Luke replied.

  Matthew felt an invisible constricting band tightening up around his chest. He hadn’t realized until this moment that he’d half hoped they would all vote to sell the place. “But, if we sell, we can take the money and build new lives.” And they wouldn’t have to pretend anymore that they were a real, functioning family.

  “Could I say something?” Clara asked with a tentative smile. “I know I have no right to be part of a vote or anything,” she began. “But I would hate to see you all sell this land. My parents settled here before you all and their parents before them. This isn’t just a ranch, it’s your roots, your heritage, and your father spent his blood and tears building it into something grand.”

  She knew nothing about his father, Matthew thought irritably. It wasn’t Adam Delaney’s blood and tears that had built this place. It had been the blood and tears of his children, whom he’d used like slave labor.

  “Personally, I don’t intend to sell,” Mark said when Clara had finished. He looked at Matthew. “When the time comes, if you want out of all this, one way or another I’ll buy you out.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” Matthew replied, fighting the ever-present anger that thoughts of his father created. “That’s all I had to discuss this evening.” He walked over to the bar and poured himself a jigger of brandy, signaling the end of his participation. Within moments the others began to visit with each other.

  “Got another one of those?” Lilly asked, coming to stand next to him.

  “Certainly.” He poured her a shot of brandy and handed it to her, trying not to notice the sweetly feminine floral scent of her that reached out to surround him.

  “Could I speak to you alone after everyone has left?” she asked, her gaze lingering on his face. “I have something I need to discuss with you.”

  “All right,” he agreed, although he had no idea what she needed to talk about with him.

  She nodded, sipped her brandy, then walked back to where Clara was seated and crouched down next to the old woman to talk.


  Matthew watched her for a long moment, watching the animation of her features as she spoke to Clara. He’d intentionally made himself scarce that afternoon, feeling as if he needed some distance from her.

  He’d worked in one of the pastures, fixing fencing and expending enormous energy in an effort to still all the emotions that rolled around inside him.

  For some reason, since Lilly’s arrival, Matthew had been more on edge, more at odds than he could remember. Something about her appearance here had sparked a cataclysm of emotion that he had yet to be able to sort out.

  He turned his attention to his family. Things were changing. Things had changed. The death of their father and the terms of the will he’d left behind had somehow transformed his siblings into different people than they had been.

  Mark, who had always been the silent one, as if trying to be invisible, sat straight in his seat with a new sense of pride and self-identity.

  Luke, who’d been precariously close to becoming an alcoholic, was facing life sober and with a new sense of responsibility, thanks to his wife and children.

  And then there was Johnna, who Matthew had suspected had always been the strongest of them all. She’d managed to leave the ranch to go to college, then had returned to Inferno to build a law practice. It was only the terms of their father’s will that had brought her back to spending time on the ranch.

  They had all survived their childhood hell and had become thriving, loving people. It amazed him sometimes, the indomitable will of the human spirit.

  What angered him more than anything was the fact that their spirits had managed to survive just fine and he was afraid his had not.

  He stood just outside the living room window, staring in at the scene inside. The night air that surrounded him was warm, but couldn’t compete with the heat inside him as he drank his fill of the sight of Lilly.

  Beautiful. Stunning. She looked as good as she had when she’d been sixteen. Even better. And he knew that if the window was open, he’d be able to smell her—a scent that he’d retained in his memory for years.