An Impromptu Proposal Page 12

  “It could be nothing, it could be something,” he hedged, trying to ignore the pleasure and warmth of her touch.

  She laughed. “Well, thanks for that, Sherlock Holmes.”

  He grinned at her, then focused his attention on the screen. “Okay, it could mean several things. Perhaps your father accidently forgot to name a file, or maybe he intentionally hid it.”

  She leaned down, her face so close to his he knew if he turned his head his lips could touch her. “So, how do you retrieve a hidden file?” she asked.

  “By calling it by name.”

  She frowned. “But we don’t know the name.”

  “And that’s the problem.” Gideon kept his gaze carefully schooled on the screen before him. “Let’s try a few names.” He typed in Joseph, Sam, Carolyn, Bonnie, Colleen, anything they could think of that Joseph might have used. Nothing worked.

  “Try necklace and charm,” Colleen prompted.

  Gideon typed in the words, but still nothing happened. “No good,” he said in frustration.

  “How about phoenix?” she asked.

  Gideon typed in the word and gasped in surprise as the screen darkened, then a picture of the mythical bird appeared. “Bingo.” He breathed softly as Colleen’s fingers tensed on his shoulder. Across the bottom of the screen, the word password flashed. “I know what the numbers and letters are for on the back of the charms,” he said.

  “What?”

  He leaned back in the chair and rubbed his eyes tiredly. “They’re the code for entering this file.”

  Colleen frowned. “But we don’t have all the charms, so we don’t have all the code. Isn’t there some other way to get into the file?”

  “There could be a back door, but I don’t know enough to access it, and I don’t know what kind of protections your father might have written into this particular program.”

  “So what do we do now?” Colleen asked.

  “We take the hard drive to my place. I’ve got a friend who’s a computer whiz. If anyone can find a way into this file, he can.”

  It took Gideon only a few minutes to load up what they needed and take it to the car. When he returned, Colleen was drawing the draperies closed and turning off the lights.

  As he stepped out in the hallway, Colleen lingered just inside the apartment. “I’ve got to call Carolyn and Bonnie. It’s time we clean all this out and let the apartment go.” She closed the door and locked it, for a moment leaning heavily against the ornate wood. “Daddy is never coming back here, and it’s time for us to stop pretending he will.”

  She turned and faced Gideon, sadness reflected in her eyes. “And it’s possible Sam might never return.”

  The impulse Gideon had fought all day swept over him once more. This time he didn’t fight it, but rather followed it, stepping forward and gathering her into his arms.

  She leaned into him, her head resting on his shoulder, her breath warming the side of his neck. Gideon closed his eyes, memorizing the way her body molded to his, the way her scent swirled in his head.

  He loved her, and his feelings for her had nothing to do with Anne. They were separate from any silly kind of revenge, removed from mere physical desire. He ached with her sadness, knew he would sing with her joy. Yes, somehow in the craziness that he called his life, he’d fallen in love with Colleen Baker Jensen.

  In the best of worlds, he wanted to find Sam for her, gift her with what she professed to want most. More than anything, Gideon wanted to be her hero. But he knew that wasn’t possible. This wasn’t the best of worlds, and if he couldn’t give her Sam, he would do the next best thing he could for her. He would walk out of her life forever.

  Chapter Ten

  They were quiet on the ride to the duplex, although it wasn’t the same strained silence they’d endured on the way into the city. Instead Colleen felt a weary kind of resignation and realized it was time to stop chasing the elusive shadow of Sam, time to move ahead with her life. She felt as if she’d been in a holding pattern since Sam’s disappearance. It was time to move forward.

  She looked at Gideon, wondering if there was a place for him in her future. He confused her. He professed to need nobody, had warned her that if he slept with her it wouldn’t mean anything. And yet his touch spoke different words, the tender way he held her communicated emotions much different than those he mouthed.

  Who was the real Gideon Graves? The tough, burned-out ex-cop who was most comfortable alone? Or was it the man who had allowed a lonely teenager to hang out at his place for the past three years, a man who seemed to know instinctively when she needed to be held? She knew which one was real. She wasn’t sure he knew. Leaning her head against the seat, she closed her eyes, allowing the motion of the car to lull her.

  “Colleen, you’re home.”

  She opened her eyes as Gideon pulled into her driveway. “Oh, sorry, I must have nodded off.” Straightening up in the seat, she looked at him. “Gideon, would you mind coming inside for a few minutes? I’ve got something I’d like to talk to you about.” She hadn’t realized until this moment that she intended to put an end to their business relationship.

  When he received his fee from her, would there be anything left between them? Would he take his money and run? Never see her again? Never hold her again? She was afraid of the answer, yet had to know.

  “I wouldn’t turn down a cup of coffee,” he replied as he shut off the car engine.

  Together they got out of the car and walked to the porch, where Colleen spied a paper bag sitting on the stoop. “Ah, you’re in luck,” she exclaimed as she saw the note from Elda. “Cinnamon knots, compliments of Elda.”

  “I wonder if your neighbor ever thought about taking up residence on a houseboat,” Gideon said as he followed her inside the house.

  “I’ll share these only if you promise you won’t try to steal Elda away,” she exclaimed. “Have a seat, and I’ll get the coffee going.” She smiled at him as she carried the sweets into the kitchen with her.

  It took only minutes for her to make the coffee and arrange the sweets on a platter. When she went into the living room, Gideon was seated on the sofa, thumbing through a family photo album.

  “It must have been nice, growing up with brothers and sisters,” he said as he closed the album and set it where it had been on the coffee table.

  “Yes, it was nice,” Colleen agreed. “Although to be perfectly honest, Bonnie and Carolyn and I weren’t that close until we got older.”

  He smiled at her. “Must have been tough to be the youngest of four.”

  “Sometimes, but I managed to survive.” She handed him his cup of coffee and set the platter of cinnamon knots on the table in front of him.

  “You’ve had to survive a number of tragedies,” he said, his voice warm with a hint of admiration. “I’ll bet you’re a good social worker.”

  “I try to be. It’s important to me.” She sat down near him. “My father was horrified when I announced I was going into social work. He’d assumed I’d go into the family business. He didn’t understand how important it was for me to establish my own identity, separate from the Baker name and fortune.”

  “I’d say you’ve managed to do that. You seem quite content with the life you’ve made for yourself.”

  Colleen nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, for the most part I’m happy, although there’s always room for improvement.” She couldn’t tell him about the loneliness that ate at her, the nights she wished for somebody to hold her close, whisper love words in her ears.

  Gideon leaned back on the sofa, looking so at ease, so much at home, Colleen’s heart ached. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?” he asked as he reached for one of the sweets.

  She drew in a deep breath. “I hired you while we were having cinnamon knots and coffee. I guess we’ve sort of come full circle,” she said softly, watching his expression as he fully comprehended her words.

  His eyes narrowed. “You’re firing me?”

  “No, Gideo
n, I’m not firing you,” she denied quickly, then sighed again. “I’ve just realized that I should have never hired you in the first place. Sam doesn’t want to be found, and I’ve already wasted too much time on a wild-goose chase.” She stared into her coffee cup. “My obsession with Sam is over. I have to face the fact that I might never know what happened to him. It’s time for me to move on.”

  He nodded, his eyes as dark, as fathomless as her coffee. “I think you’re wise. It is time for you to move on.”

  His words caused a flicker of pain inside her heart, as she had the distinct impression he wasn’t only speaking of her getting past her obsession with Sam, but also moving beyond him.

  She opened her purse and withdrew her checkbook, trying to keep her hand steady as she wrote out a check for what she owed him.

  As she handed him the check his eyes remained hooded, emotionless. He folded it up and put it in his pocket, then reached for another cinnamon knot. “One for the road,” he said as he stood up.

  “You don’t have to run off,” she protested, wanting him to stay just a little bit longer, not ready to say goodbye.

  “Oh, I think I do.” He started for the door, and Colleen ran after him, realizing she couldn’t let him walk away without telling him what was in her heart.

  “Gideon, please. Wait.”

  He turned and looked at her, for a moment a whisper of pain reflected in his eyes. It was enough to give Colleen the nerve to tell him how she felt. “Please,” she repeated, moving to stand directly before him. His eyes were blank again, inviting no heartfelt confession, but still she forged ahead. “Gideon, I don’t want you to leave here and never see me again.”

  “You know where I live if you ever need a good private investigator,” he answered flippantly.

  “You know that’s not what I mean.” She reached out and grabbed his shirtsleeve, holding tight.

  “Colleen…don’t,” he said softly, his expression one of pain.

  “Don’t what?” For some reason, she felt a flicker of anger rise inside her.

  “Whatever it is you’re about to say…please don’t say it.”

  She released her hold on his shirt. “Why? Because you don’t want to hear it?” She gazed at him searchingly, loving his intractable hair that refused to stay combed, the strength of his jawline with its fine whisker stubble, the mouth that looked so strong and unyielding but was as soft as velvet on hers. “Gideon, I have to say it.”

  He swept a hand through his hair, averting his gaze from hers. “Okay, what is it?”

  “I love you.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment, his body tense, hands balled into fists at his side. Then he looked at her, the dark depths of his eyes as turbulent as a night storm on the sea. “And what do you expect me to do about it?”

  “Absolutely nothing.” She swallowed hard against the futile tears that burned her eyes. “I told you once before, Gideon. My love is free. No expectations, no responsibilities come with it. It’s a gift.”

  “I don’t want your gift,” he replied, anger building in his voice. “How in the hell could you let this happen?”

  “Believe me, I’m not happy about the situation, either,” she replied dryly. “But I couldn’t let you just walk out of my life forever without at least telling you how I feel.” She walked closer to him, close enough to see the golden flecks in the irises of his eyes.

  He backed away from her and raked a trembling hand through his hair. “Colleen, I’m sorry if I somehow led you on. But I think I’ve been very honest with you from the beginning. I intend to live my life alone. I don’t need anyone. I don’t want anybody’s love. I’m not good for anyone.”

  She reached up and placed her palm on the side of his face. “Oh, Gideon, you’re such a good man. Why can’t you see that for yourself?”

  He took her hand in his, removed it from his face. “Colleen, I’m not a hero. Hell, I couldn’t even find Sam for you.” Frustration twisted his features and a muscle worked frantically in his jaw.

  “I don’t care about that anymore. I don’t want a hero. I don’t need a hero in my life. I only need you. I want you, and you can’t tell me you don’t care about me.” Her heart pounded frantically in her chest as he turned once again to leave. Anger ripped through her. “That’s it, Gideon, run. Run like you have been doing for the last three years.”

  He froze with his back to her, his hand poised over the doorknob. Colleen swiped angrily at the tears that tracked down her cheeks. “Run back to your boat where you can wallow in self-pity, alienate yourself from any form of love at all.” She gasped for breath, then continued, “You have two people who see all your faults and love you in spite of them. You’ve already tried to shove Eddy out of your life. Now you want to do the same to me.”

  For a long moment he remained frozen, and hope filled Colleen’s heart. “Goodbye, Colleen,” he finally said, then he turned the knob, opened the door and walked away.

  Colleen stared at the space where he had been, an emptiness inside her so intense it nearly stole her breath away. He was gone, and she would probably never see him again. She felt as if she’d lost something precious, something she should have never been so foolish to want. She sank down on the sofa, a hole in her chest where her heart had been. She’d lied to him when she’d told him that her love was free. She had wanted something from him in return. She’d wanted him to love her back.

  Gideon sat on his deck, watching the sun descend on another day. A week had gone by since he’d said goodbye to Colleen. A long, lonely week of too much thought, too much rumination, too many regrets.

  His first regret had been in not fighting the police department for his job three years before. At the time he’d been so sick about Anne’s betrayal, he’d rolled over and played dead. He’d been innocent and should have demanded a full-scale investigation.

  His second regret was more complicated. Eddy. He hadn’t realized how much he cared about the kid until this past week, when Eddy hadn’t been around at all. He hadn’t realized how the kid’s adulation had soothed old wounds, buoyed his spirits. He hadn’t been willing to admit that it felt good to look after Eddy, listen to his chatter, be infected with his enthusiasm for life in general.

  Gideon certainly didn’t lament the fact. that he’d told Eddy to find a decent future, be a better man than Gideon was. However, what he did regret was how he had told Eddy those things. He should have never done it in anger. He should have done it with love.

  And that brought him to his final regret. Colleen.

  He leaned his head back and closed his eyes with a sigh. Immediately his mind conjured up a slide show, portraits of Colleen from the first moment he’d seen her standing in his doorway with the sun at her back, to the final night when he’d told her goodbye and tears had trailed down her cheeks. Her beauty touched him, her courage and spirit inspired him. Her love amazed him.

  He sighed again, realizing he was building a lifetime of regrets.

  “Hi, Gideon.”

  Gideon’s eyes flew open at the sound of Eddy’s voice. He stood on the dock, his smile strained, as if unsure his presence would be greeted with cruelty or kindness.

  “Hi, Eddy,” Gideon replied as he sat up straighter. He motioned to the chair next to him. “Why don’t you take a load off?”

  Eddy bounded toward the chair as if propelled from a slingshot, his smile warming Gideon to the bones. “I didn’t want to bother you, but I wanted to come by and tell you I’m going to college.”

  “Eddy, that’s great. How are you swinging it financially?”

  “Colleen helped me. She’s been great. She got me a full scholarship to Stoneybrook Community College. She’s promised when I’m finished with the two years there, she’ll help me get into a four-year school.”

  Gideon wanted to ask about her. How was she? Did she look beautiful? Did she ask about him? Again regrets radiated through him. “What are you going to study?” he finally asked instead.

  “Just g
eneral stuff at first.” Eddy’s gaze was oddly defiant. “Then I’m going to focus on criminology. I’m still going to be a private investigator. If I’m half as good as you, I’ll be a success.”

  For a moment Gideon couldn’t speak around the lump in his throat. He realized Colleen had been right. He’d spent the last three years of his life running, afraid to love again, afraid of what any love might cost him. But Eddy wasn’t Anne. Colleen wasn’t Anne. And if he turned his back on the love they offered, the price he’d pay would be dear—a lifetime of regrets.

  “Well, I don’t want to be a pain. I just wanted to let you know what I was doing,” Eddy said as he stood up. With a wave, he started down the ramp to the dock.

  “Hey, Eddy,” Gideon called after him.

  Eddy turned. “Yeah?”

  “Don’t be a stranger.”

  Eddy’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, and again a lump formed in Gideon’s throat. “Sure, I’ll be in touch,” he said, then turned and continued on, a happy lilt to his jaunty walk.

  Gideon managed to sit still for a full minute before he realized he couldn’t stand it any longer. He had to see Colleen. He had to see if he had blown his chance for happiness with her. He had to know if it was too late for them, too late for him to rebuild his life using love instead of regrets.

  Within a short time he was parked across the street from her duplex, fear keeping him captive in his car. What if she didn’t love him anymore? What if she had changed her mind? He wouldn’t blame her. She’d bared her soul to him, spoken of her love, and he’d turned his back and walked away.

  He shook his head, dislodging these thoughts, knowing there was no way Colleen’s love could be so fickle. He saw her so clearly now and knew no matter what her upbringing, no matter the similarities of background, Colleen was a much different person from Anne. Colleen was a woman committed to helping people, a woman who loved with her heart and her soul. A woman who loved him.

  The fear inside him fell away. He stared at her house, shrouded by the darkness of night, a single light spilling from the living room window. It was like a beacon of hope, the light of love, and it beckoned to him.