In a Heartbeat Read online

  “Four,” she countered.

  He grinned at her. “I didn’t know you were counting.”

  “I’ve got brownies for dessert.”

  He groaned again. “Not for me.”

  “Homemade,” she said to tempt him.

  He laughed. “Really, I couldn’t eat another bite.” He sat up. “You must have gotten up at the crack of dawn to cook all this stuff.”

  “I did get up early,” she admitted. “I was looking forward to the day.” She couldn’t very well tell him she’d awakened early with the taste of sweet dreams still on her lips, the vision of him dancing in her head. Her dreams had been of kissing Caleb, of stroking the hard muscles of his body, of his hands touching her, setting her on fire.

  “I was looking forward to the day, too.” His eyes sparkled with naked desire, as if he’d participated in her dreams and still held the vision in his head.

  She held his gaze for a long moment, wondering when he’d become more than a pleasant neighbor, when she’d lost control, abandoned her adamant resolution to keep distance between them.

  She broke the gaze as a renewed flood of heat rippled through her. He frightened her because he was making her want him. He made her remember half-forgotten dreams of sharing hopes, of whispered words in the night.

  He made her remember all the things she’d once wanted from marriage, all the dreams Chuck and the reality of life had stolen away.

  Again she directed her attention toward Hannah. “Her birthday is in two weeks. I’m going to have a big party for her.” She looked back at Caleb. “She’d like you to be there.”

  “What would you like?” He studied her intently and she had the feeling he was holding his breath, awaiting her reply.

  Her cheeks warmed. “I’d like it, too.” She busied herself packing the last of their items in the basket.

  “Maybe by then I’ll have the tree house completely done.”

  “That would make a wonderful birthday surprise,” Erica said. “I still say you shouldn’t have built it. It’s an extravagant indulgence for a neighbor’s child.”

  He pulled his knees up toward his chest and wrapped his arms around them, his expression thoughtful. “I wanted her to have it.” His voice held a deep intensity. “Every child should have one extravagant, indulgent dream come true, especially a brave, sweet child like Hannah.”

  Erica laughed. “A brave, sweet child who is suddenly developing a stubborn streak and a touch of rebellion.” She eyed Caleb curiously. “Do you ever think about having children of your own?”

  “Sure.” His gaze went to Hannah. “When we first got married, Judith and I talked about having half a dozen.” He shrugged and looked back at Erica. “But it wasn’t meant to be.” He cleared his throat, as if his memories had created a lump of emotion he needed to swallow. “What about you? Did you just want one, or did you at one time dream of an entire household of rug rats?”

  “Looking back now with hindsight, I think Chuck didn’t want children at all. From the time I was small, I wanted lots and lots of babies.” She smiled wistfully. “But, like you, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

  She set the basket at the side of the blanket. “I also realize now that I was lucky I just had Hannah when Chuck left. I don’t think more children would have made him stay. He didn’t like being married and with or without Hannah’s illness, I don’t think we would have made it together. I think maybe I married him for all the wrong reasons.”

  “Wrong reasons? Like what?”

  Erica stretched out on her side and propped herself up on an elbow. “I was twelve when my father walked away from our family. My mother tried to explain to me and my brother Keith that he wasn’t leaving us, just her. But it felt like he left all of us, because we never saw him again.”

  “I’m sorry,” Caleb said softly. “It must have been hard to lose a parent when you were so young.” He stretched out on his side, facing her with only a mere foot or so of space between them.

  “It was hard,” she admitted. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but Dad left a void in me that was so deep, so painful. I met Chuck when I was seventeen. He was five years older than me and instantly, he filled the void. I thought it was love at the time, but I realize now it wasn’t.”

  She blushed, realizing she’d been rambling on about personal things she’d never shared with anyone else. “And now you know my whole, boring life story.”

  “There is nothing I could ever find remotely boring about you or your life,” he countered.

  Erica blushed again, feeling as if he were seducing her with his gaze, with his words.

  At that moment their conversation was interrupted as Hannah came running toward them. “Now can we go see the lions and the tigers?”

  “I’ll show you a lion.” Caleb jumped up and growled as Hannah giggled with delight.

  The rest of the afternoon flew by as the three of them continued their exploration of the zoo. Between seeing animals, they ate snow cones and popcorn and chattered nonstop about the wonders of the animal kingdom.

  By the time they finally left, darkness was falling and Hannah was exhausted. She buckled herself into the back seat of Caleb’s car and promptly fell sound asleep.

  “I’d say she had a full day,” Caleb said.

  “A full day and no nap.” Erica smiled at him.

  “Yeah, how’s the quiet time working out?”

  Erica leaned back against the seat and sighed with contentment. “Good. She doesn’t sleep, but at least I know she’s resting.”

  “What are you going to do when she starts school? I don’t think they provide rest time in first grade.”

  “She’s not going to school,” Erica replied.

  Caleb looked at her in surprise. “What do you mean?”

  “I intend to do just what I did this year. Home schooling.”

  “Why would you want to do that?” he asked. “I mean, Hannah is such a social butterfly. I’d think she’d thrive on the interaction with other children.”

  Erica frowned and rubbed her forehead with two fingers. “I don’t know…I’ve been torn about this very subject for the past couple of months. Every day September grows closer, and I’m not sure what the right thing for Hannah is.”

  “What does she want?”

  “To go to public school.” Erica drew another deep breath. How could she explain the deep fear that was her constant companion…the fear that fate would once again kick them down, the fear that when things got too good, a fall was inevitable. “But it frightens me so.”

  Caleb reached his hand out and grabbed hers. “Sooner or later, Erica, you have to let her go.”

  “I know.” She entwined her fingers with his, warmed by the connection, despite the discomfort she felt at the topic of conversation. “It’s just that I’ve been so careful for so long, there have been so many disappointments…unexpected relapses. What if her immune system can’t tolerate being around so many children? What if her heart can’t take the stress, the excitement of school?”

  “What does her doctor say?”

  “He thinks she’s ready to run marathons, race the wind or whatever else she has in mind.”

  “Nobody has the final decision but you.” He squeezed her hand. “I just worry about you.”

  “About me?” She looked at him in surprise.

  “You can’t be all and everything to her, Erica. As much as you love her, as much as you want to protect her, you have to build something of your own, something separate from your child. When you build your life around a child, and then that child goes away, you’re left with nothing to hang on to, no reason to go on.”

  His voice held an intensity that startled her. Was he talking about his experience with his wife? Had he built his world around her, only to lose her to a tragic illness? Had he been left with nothing to hang on to but desolation? Regrets? Loneliness?

  He was telling her the same things Sherry had told her a million times before, but they sounded diff
erent coming from Caleb. Erica knew he spoke from common experience, understood the fear of loss.

  “Home again, home again,” he said as he pulled into her driveway.

  “Jiggety-jig.” She smiled at him, feeling closer to him than she had at any time before.

  “I’ll help you get sleeping beauty tucked in,” he said as they got out of the car.

  It took him only minutes to pick up the sleeping child and carry her into the house and to bed. She didn’t stir as Erica took off her shoes, and changed her into her pajamas. Erica softly kissed her cheek, then pulled the sheet up around her.

  As Erica left the room, Caleb draped an arm across her shoulders. “This has been another wonderful day,” he said as they walked back to the living room.

  “Yes, it has been.” She stopped walking and faced him, conscious of the energized air between them. She’d felt it all day, a simmering sexual tension on the verge of exploding. She’d been acutely aware of each inadvertent touch between them, every brush of shoulder or bump of thigh.

  “Would you like to stay for coffee?” she asked.

  He reached out and touched her cheek, then trailed a finger across her bottom lip. His touch shot sparks of heat through her. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. I don’t think I’d be satisfied with just coffee.”

  His gaze set her aflame. “I have some cookies,” she whispered in an attempt at humor. But his eyes held a hunger that stole her breath away and set her heart pounding.

  “Even cookies wouldn’t satisfy me tonight.” He pulled her into his arms and claimed her lips with his. His mouth moved over hers with fiery intensity, and Erica responded with the hunger that had been building inside her since the moment she’d first met him.

  She wound her arms around his neck and molded herself to him, wanting to feel him as intimately close to her as possible. He groaned and tangled his hands in her hair as his mouth left hers and instead trailed hot kisses down the side of her neck, along the hollow of her throat.

  Erica’s head spun dizzily as the sweet rush of desire swept through her. She wanted him. She wanted him to touch her, wanted him to stroke her body. And she wanted to do the same to him. She wanted to run her hands across his chest, taste his skin. She wanted to make love with him.

  More than anything, she wanted to wake up in his arms, see him in that first blush of morning. But that wasn’t going to happen. She had a daughter to consider, and there was no way she could allow Caleb to spend the night here and confuse Hannah.

  His hands moved from the length of her hair down to the small of her back, then cupped her buttocks and pulled her tight against him.

  She could feel his desire…hard and unyielding against her pelvis. At the same time his mouth once again covered hers.

  Control was slipping away, and Erica knew she had to call a halt or else she would be lost. “Caleb…” She placed her hands on his shoulders and gently pushed at him.

  Instantly he dropped his hands and stepped back from her, although his eyes still radiated the depth of his desire. “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything but a simple kiss.”

  She smiled, her cheeks warm with pleasure. “Kissing you, Caleb, is anything but simple.”

  He returned her smile, his gaze impossibly warm on her. “If you keep looking at me like that, I swear I’ll have no choice but to kiss you again.” He took another step away from her. “I’d better just say good-night.”

  “Maybe that would be best,” she agreed softly, although she heard the wistful longing in her own voice. “Good night, Caleb.”

  She locked the door after him, her heart still beating rapidly. Her breasts ached, her legs felt weak, her entire body screamed with the need to be loved…. Her desire had a name, and its name was Caleb.

  However, beneath the ache, beyond the desire, was a touch of fear. He was too good to be true. Granted, it was obvious that he wanted her, but he hadn’t even decided if he was staying in St. Louis or not.

  He’d made no promises to her, whispered no words of love. He’d just looked at her with desire in his eyes, a desire that could burn out as quickly as it had fanned into flames.

  She couldn’t chance it. She couldn’t stand to be hurt again and she steadfastly refused to consider allowing Hannah’s fragile heart to be hurt by any man.

  Despite all the reasons why she shouldn’t see Caleb again, why she knew she should withdraw from him, protect her heart and Hannah’s, as she got into bed moments later, she wondered when she’d see him again. When she could taste his lips once more.

  It was absolutely crazy, and something she’d always maintained would never happen…but she just might be falling in love again.

  Chapter 8

  Faces swirled before him. Katie’s face…Hannah’s, Judith’s and Erica’s. Each of them spoke to him, but he couldn’t hear the words they were saying. He strained, trying to make sense out of the jumble of voices.

  He laughed with joy as he discerned Katie’s voice amid the confusion. “I love you, Daddy Doodle,” she said, then laughed that special, little-girl laugh that so warmed his heart.

  I love you, Caleb wanted to say. I love you, Katie, and you’ll always be in my heart. Before he could say the words aloud, a foghorn blew and the four female faces disappeared into the ocean.

  The foghorn blew again, transforming itself into the ring of the telephone. Caleb sat up and grabbed for the phone near the bed, his mind still muddled with his crazy dream.

  “Caleb McMann, what in the hell are you doing?” His sister Sarah’s voice boomed over the line.

  He rubbed a hand across his jaw, trying to reenter the world of reality and leave his dreamscape behind. “I was sleeping. It’s nice to hear your sweet voice,” he said with more than a touch of sarcasm.

  “Sleeping? It’s after nine.”

  Caleb looked at the clock on the bedside table. Indeed, it was almost nine-thirty. “I was up most of the night finishing a project, so I decided to sleep in this morning.”

  “Caleb, what in the hell are you doing?” she repeated. This time her voice was softer, beseeching. “Why aren’t you back in Chicago where you belong? What’s happening with your business? You’re letting everything go to hell.”

  “Nonsense,” he scoffed. “My business is doing fine. I’m in daily touch with my foremen by telephone and fax.”

  “I’m so worried about you. You need to come home.”

  “I can’t go back yet.” Caleb frowned and raked a hand through his hair. “I haven’t had enough time…I need to be here.”

  “You need to be home in Chicago, getting on with your life,” she countered. “You can’t turn that little girl into Katie. Katie is gone.”

  “I know that,” Caleb said with a touch of irritation. “I’m not trying to make her into Katie.” He drew a deep sigh. “All I know is that I need to be here, that it’s right that I’m here. I can’t explain it, Sarah, but this is where I’m supposed to be right now. I know it in my heart. I know it in my soul.”

  His words were met with silence, then Sarah sighed. “How do I argue with that?”

  Caleb laughed. “You don’t.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Her worry was evident in her tone. “You want me to come out there? I have a little vacation time coming.”

  “Please. That isn’t necessary. Sarah, I promise I’m fine,” he assured her.

  “When you told me you were going out there, I thought you meant for a weekend, a week at the most. But, Caleb, it’s been a month.”

  “I know.”

  “And you’re sure you know what you’re doing?”

  He laughed again. “No, I wouldn’t go that far.”

  They chatted for a minute or two longer, then hung up. Caleb got out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans, then padded down the stairs to the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee, then moved to the window that looked out onto his backyard and beyond it, into Erica’s backyard.

  She and Hannah were out there, stringing cr
epe paper and other decorations for the birthday party that would begin at eleven. He knew if he cracked open his window, he’d probably be able to hear their laughter as they prepared for the momentous occasion.

  Caleb had worked through the night to finish the tree house, which was now covered with half a dozen drop cloths, effectively hiding the structure from view.

  A smile touched his lips as he imagined Hannah’s reaction when he unveiled it. He knew she would be delighted. It had turned out magnificently, better than even he had imagined.

  The tree house wasn’t the only gift he had for her. He’d also bought a doll. She was a beauty, with long golden curls and big blue eyes, a hand-painted porcelain face and a number on her foot that proclaimed her a collectible.

  What in the hell are you doing? Sarah’s words replayed in his mind. Yes, what in the hell was he doing? The past two weeks had gone by like a dream. He’d worked on the house, conducted his construction business by phone, and shared every spare minute he had with Erica and Hannah.

  They’d gone out for pizza, seen a movie, and enjoyed another trip to the zoo. They’d talked, and laughed, and he and Erica had sneaked furtive kisses whenever the opportunity presented itself. The only thing he hadn’t done was told her the truth.

  He told himself he was waiting for the perfect time to tell her, but he knew the real truth. Fear kept him silent. A fear that lived with him each day and every night. He turned away from the window with a frown.

  He wasn’t going to think about it today. It was a day of celebration. Hannah Marie Clemmons’s sixth birthday. The sixth birthday for a little girl the doctors had thought might not see her first. Yes, it was a day for joy, not for confessions.

  He thought about going over to help them decorate, but decided to allow them that pleasure alone. It seemed right that mother and daughter prepare for the day without the intrusion of a neighbor.

  A neighbor. He knew he’d become more than that to Erica. Her laughter, the warmth of her gaze on him, the heat of her mouth when they kissed—all these things told him that.

  And she had certainly become more than a neighbor to him. She’d become far more than just the mother of a child he wanted to connect with. What in the hell are you doing, Caleb? He honestly didn’t know.